ringleader man:

so I’m killing time online during my lunch break at work a couple of days ago and I clickity click my way over to metacritic, which informs me that today marks the release of the new T-Pain album wait wait wait what the hell is this? T-Pain has an album? T-Pain has three albums? T-Pain is actually a real person? I thought he was Pestilence incarnate, given flesh to roam the world and unleash the AutoTune plague upon us to herald the end times. oh no, gentle readers. he is a real live producer slash rapper slash crooner of many hooks slash generally drunken shaker of dreads.

and I felt a certain obligation to listen to the album, which is titled Thr33 Ringz. that is ‘three’ with two threes where the ‘e’s should go and a ‘z’ at the end of ‘rings’ where the ‘s’ would traditionally be.


yes, I felt that I needed this in my life.



first, I would like to say that there is one thing about this album that is pristine in its perfection, and that thing is “Superstar Lady”. it is three minutes and seventeen seconds of trumpeting synths and canyon-deep bass and super future 21st-century sheen just dripping off of everyfuckthing while T-Pain singsong-raps his way through the anatomy of some phantom hottie and actually makes the AutoTune sound like a neat idea for once in his life. if this is not the single, surely I do not know why, and if you cannot dig this track, then motherfucker, you ain’t got no shovel.

as for the rest of the album…I don’t know what to make of it, honestly. it falls far enough outside of my realm of experience that I’m not really sure how to evaluate it. T-Pain tries for the rapper/singer/producer hat trick, and dude can put together a bangin’ single, which is what I was expecting from Ringz - too many skits, some super weak filler and seven or eight Singles. but that is not what he did - for better or for worse, I think he actually tried to make an album out of it. there’s some halfass cohesion to it in the production and that bizarre sung rap halfway hook style that really only Cee-Lo is allowed to do.


if it wasn’t for the AutoTune all over everything, as much as I hate it, it’d be possible to forget that this was (in theory) a T-Pain solo album. there are approximately three tracks that do not feature a guest; the guest in question is almost always the focal point of the track - T-Pain’s lyrics, if we must call them that, always come off as a chorus that’s gone on far too long. some things stand out, but not always for the right reasons. “It Ain’t Me” is another potential Single, if only for the T.I. verse (because there is no such thing as a bad T.I. verse. don’t question it; only haters or lames would question it. ask T.I. he’ll tell you.) and then there is “Karaoke”, where T-Pain is dissing somebody, I think, and generally losing the beat while Khaled yells some of his usual unspecific shit. the beat sounds like a G-Unit B-stringer should be using it to talk about his sneakers and maybe call Game a faggot. where the hell is the sparkle and the synth, T-Pain?

altogether too many "Karaoke"ish tracks and not near enough "Superstar Lady" from a guy who's made his name with single after single. maybe this is an average to good R&B album; I wouldn’t know and I can’t say either way. what I can say is that T-Pain is spreading himself pretty thin a la Lil’ Wayne in 2008 without any of the skill Weezy has behind the mic to carry him in his many weaker moments. there’s two certifiable Singles and little else that stands out, even on the production side of things. while I’m impressed that he tried to make an album at all (and has apparently made two previous - when the hell did that happen?) dude definitely sounds like he belongs behind the boards and maybe on the hook from time to time. slow it the hell down, double back to “Bartender”, and get your shit together, b.




(ice out all yo’ fingers, take you out and make you famous:)